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Self Introduction: A. Yamada [Ex-Yakuza]

Hi everybody!  I'm Aki, well I'm Aki Yamada as my full title.  I hope you'll enjoy my recording!  Or, maybe you won't.  Might be disturbed, heh.  Anyways, I'm going to introduce myself!

I was born in Nagoya, Japan on February 12th, 2059.  I thought I'd skip the speaking of my native tongue because none of you sillies would understand me anyways.  I lived your typical normal Japanese kid life.  If you don't know what that is, it's: stay obedient, stay polite, dress accordingly, repeat.  Pretty boring.  Hey, did you know all the men around there wear dress shirts and suits?  Nothing else!  In America, everyone's wearing casual stuff like kids it's funny.  And, and my name means autumn, well autumn of the mountain field in its entirety.  I'm getting off track, oops.

Everyone would pick on me about being short, which is ironic because everyone in Japan is kinda short.  I guess people just wanted some reason to pick on the nerdy looking kid in glasses.  I think it was my final year in high school, but, like, after school I was walking home and these boys jumped me.  I got kinda mad.  Well, more than kinda.  I took one of them that called me a slut and threw his head to the ground and curb stomped his face in it.  The other boys ran off, but by then I knew I'd have to give up my old life. I guess repressed anger without therapy wasn't the best thing for me.

After dinner that night, the cops came to my door asking for me.  I went upstairs and dressed in pretty much what people see me dressed in nowadays, and went out to see them.  I had to kill them both, but after that I spent a month fending off the local law enforcement.  I ended up killing them all just trying to get away, I really hate cops.

After that, some guy in all that classic cliche leather crotch-rocket biker outfit drove up to me and told me to get on his bike.  When I asked why, he said his boss wanted to see me.  Turns out, it was the Yakuza!  After becoming a better killer and the greatest drive-by shooter with submachine guns ever, I was pretty notoriously popular in the entire gang.  I kinda fell in love with the guy and, if you know my reputation, you're probably asking who took my virginity.  Yeah it was him, his name was Yuuya.  Pretty nice guy when you got to know him.  Pretty much my mentor.

Well I got to be so good at killing and driving that my boss and everyone in the nearby gang, except Yuuya, feared I would get to be too strong.  What did they do?  Welp, they killed my boyfriend and shot me on the job and left me for dead.  The cops certainly loved seeing that I was in jail finally.  I was a bit sad face for a time in prison and I was sent to the worst of jail cells in there.  Damn they were assholes.  So you know what I did?  I snuck out.  How?  You see, they have to hold my belongings in the building somehow.  I tricked a guy into thinking I'd pay him a lot of money and fulfill his poor loneliness by fucking the guy and he let me out.  I killed him and hid the body, took my stuff, and snuck out like a Sam Fisher!

First thing I did?  Killed my partners and peers all the way up every floor until I got to my boss and his suite.  Uhh, I think it was almost 300 people?  I could be making an understatement.  Good thing my boss was conservative, he accepted his fate and I killed him with his own prized Edo Period katana!  What a way for revenge!  You're thinking, "but don't the Yakuza have a lot of tattoos?".  Well, yes.  I got a lot of ink over the time I was in the Yakuza.  After I took the katana, I got the Tokugawa crest on my lower back as a reminder of my revenge.  I've got a lot of ink: a koi fish and lotus flowers, a snake, a dragon, a samurai, a geisha, the crest, a temple, some design to mock Bodhi, and my callsign.  If you're wondering, it's Japanese for murderer.  I have it in two spots actually, my right wrist and my lower back under the crest.  If I took off my shirt, I'd probably have more ink than I do skin to show off, heh.

Ok so, after that, I just flat out left Japan for America for no reason.  I just thought it would be cool.  I knew some English, and I could always learn more.  I went to Florida because it was the farthest away from Japan with warm weather.  I met Ren and Jacob there as a start, I didn't really like Jacob but Ren was a huge conservative and modern Japanese citizen of Yokohama.  Yokohama is barely east of Tokyo, like, they're next door neighbors.  She was really cool so I got to meeting with her.  I don't like all that Miami business because it really wasn't all that fun.

I got pretty rich from this one job though I did about a year ago, but then it turns out there was a goody two shoes in our group that ran off on us.  His name is Nate, and we're actually really good friends now.  He's kinda this criminal and counter-terrorist mix.  Kinda weird, but it's ok I guess?  He's chill, but anyways we must've scared him and Kari off.  Kari is his girlfriend, we get along well.  I like her!  I mean, I did move out there to where they escaped to so gg, wp m8.  I did that move after Jacob busted me out of jail March of that year.

In the past year I met these two bonehead brothers named Ashton and Alex.  Ashton was a lieutenant in the Air Force, had to quit cause the last mission he did was the unleashing of the ZEDs.  That was sucky, it spooked him so he's got PTSD.  When he gets these spells I just hit him upside the head and tell him to get real, he's good.  Great pilot of any aircraft I tell you that.  He's my boyfriend.  There was a time I couldn't hand his spells cause he tried to kill me in a tank so we didn't see each other for a few months.

The other one's Alex, he's sooooooooo lazy.  Instead of changing a light bulb, he put a flashlight in the socket and didn't bother when it ran out of batteries.  He's got the most of us all, but not of the best goods.  I own every supercar there is to exist.  You name it!  The McLaren P1, the Pagani Haurya, the Lamborghini Huracan, and even a hush hush supercar prototype we just all call the X-Wing cause it looks like a spaceship.  The X-Wing was nearly three million dollars.  After I'm super rich, I decided I got bored being in the 1% of civilian life.  You know what I did?  I stepped into the senator's office, govenor's man I don't really know.  I just killed all security and proclaimed that the outland island to California was a city-state and declared myself president.  Yep, I'm ballsy and hard to kill.  I didn't really think it through, but I own this island pretty much now.  Liberals aren't too happy, so I made it more of a conservative and right-wing state for now.

I own the island I live on with Ashton, Alex, and other pals of mine.  What else could I do?  Well, I'm also the CEO of Ex-Presidents Corp.  What do we do?  Import and export guns, drugs, expensive cars, and wreak havoc pretty much.  It makes me so rich, maybe one day I can be as rich as Simon!  I certainly am more proactive than Simon that's for sure.  Not too long ago I took Asher, Nate, and Alex with me and we did the Ozaki 8 ordeals.  I'd say I like how I live.  Lots of guns, lots of money, and lots of sex.  With just Ashton, I'm not a whore.  Please don't call me that, thank you!

Does this work?  I hope so.  Oh!  I remember, I operate on the Dark Web too!  I have a Red Room at a secret location somewhere on the island I just take my enemies and torture them on camera.  I get pretty rich there too.  I love to dress up with that too!  I like to dress up a lot anyways.  Ashton's got a lotta kinks I kinda like living with.  Maybe I shouldn't go that far into my personal life.  Oh well!  I hope this suffices!  I said I wouldn't speak all weeaboo-Japanese-like but I bet most people already know what this means anyways.  Sayonara!

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